I knew the month of September would be busy, what I did not take into consideration is my body as my schedule came together. The issue was not the family, even though I slacked a little in the TLC dept. with Ola and she quickly brought it to my attention (I did not argue, just said guilty as charged). Also, this past weekend was the first time I missed a weekend article in at least four years (some people were probably happy - ha-ha).
Well, I'll share what happened with all of you, I have a habit of having lunch with my wife at work once in a while (that was supposed to be a once in a while special stuff - guys you understand!), well I haven't really even thought about it in September, somehow my schedule got out of hand (traveling, writing, radio and meetings), two back-to-back evening (board) meetings finally got to my wife and she gently nudged me.
This past weekend, I was privileged to speak with the council of Bishops of a denomination in Iowa about relationships of leaders and one of the major issue that took a lot of time was prioritizing priorities, and I felt uniquely qualified, especially after I was reminded of my own omission (due to "bigmanism") just days before.
There are many things in our lives that are priorities, marriages are priority, the children are priority, our jobs (secular or ministry) are priority, our relationship with God is priority, and if you are like me -the assignment you believe God gave you is priority. As we juggle these priorities, it's extremely important that we prioritize these priorities in our lives, especially for those of us in stress-filled western countries.
On a general level, I think (as I've written before) that the most important priority for anyone (leader of follower) is the time that we spend with God (whatever that is to you!) - It could be in studying the bible, it could be time in prayer, and it could be worship time. I shared with the Bishops on Saturday that I love studying way much more than spending time in prayer (I do both, just prefer one more). The family then comes next and obviously the spouse come before the children, it is next to impossible to do ministry or even achieve one's purpose when the home is not right, twice the bible directly link answering the prayer of a man to how he treats his wife (Malachi 2 and 1 Peter 3: 7). The ministry (faith based or secular job) or our assignment then comes in. Juggling these priorities require more than just a mental exercise but a lifestyle that comes from the subconscious.
Relationship with God
I have just (as I write this article) received terrible news and just shared it with Ola. Someone we know, who was on fire for God, let down his/her guard and is alleged to have done the unthinkable. News like this over the past years of people in ministry (that I have great respect for) have instilled the fear of God in me personally and help me remember that it is God who gives the ability to do anything and if any branch (regardless of the amount of fruit it bears) dare move away from the true vine, that branch is in danger of dying and being thrown into the fire.
What makes the family stable, what makes any ministry anointed and what makes any assignment worth-while is the fact that we get our nutrient from the true vine. Many times over again, we are reminded that it is God who gives us our abilities, we are reminded that except the Lord builds, the laborers are just wasting their time. When Jesus was in the world, He'll constantly spend time with His Father, taking one hour here and there. I believe with all of my heart that ultimate power comes from relationship, the Bible puts it this way, faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word. As a teacher, I learn more myself when I'm studying to teach, regardless of how I feel I persistently get myself into the habit of spending an hour in prayer as often as I can. The other side of deliverance is learning truth through knowledge and changing habits based on revealed truth.
Like the devil sought permission to get at Apostle Peter, he is doing the same today and what we need to do is hide under the wings of God letting His glory be a covering for us and if we are tested, we pray that His grace would be sufficient. I beg of everyone reading this article, please create the time to spend with God, this is where you'll get what you need as a husband, wife, pastor, doctor, lawyer, teacher etc and where you'll get encouraging words of faith at those valley times.
Family
The word family means different thing to different people, to an average African it means extended family (parent and siblings), to a western person - the definition varies just like "barney the dinosaur" song, if you have children you'll know the song (mine is just right for me).
We all can name people whose ministry, political career or even business career has been messed up because of family problems. We all know children who has brought disgrace to the home, the Bible talks about teaching a child in the way he/she should go, so he/she would not depart from it as an adult (does not mean he/she would not stray - we all stray). One of the big assignments God gives a couple is to raise godly children and the other big assignment is to let our marriage be an example of Christ love for the church. The enemy understands that if the family is gone, everything built on it, will eventually collapse, statistics upon statistics show that as the family institution collapsed in America, societal vices increase. Unfortunately, very few political and religious leaders are ready to stand and fight for the family institution as ordained by the creator, the easiest and the politically correct way is to throw money (grants) at the symptoms (poverty, truancy etc).
Many of us are held captive by the fear of losing our jobs or the ambition to be somebody (in the eyes of the world) that we sacrifice our family at the altar of "mammon", unfortunately we end up paying severely for not being there at the critical time for our children. If there is any father to a little girl from grades five to eight (ages 11-14) reading this article, please make it a habit to have a weekly or bi-monthly date with your daughter before a stupid boys who wants between her legs do it for you. If you have boys, they need help as well, they might not get pregnant but they do carry diseases. Moms take your boys out and teach him how to treat a lady.
Not to many cooperate establishment care about your family - date with your wife or attending your children play of game, what they care about is your productivity and how much time they can squeeze out of you for less money. Corporations spends tons of money on retreat with clients and among their executives, but none of them is smart enough to plan a marriage or parenting class for their staff, when the evidence that a stable home increases productivity abounds.
Ministry or Secular Job
Rick Wagoner was a superstar in GM, he spent his career in the same company rising through the ranks until he became the CEO/Chairman, unfortunately for him, he took over the company after previous leadership took a risk that backfired and recession exposed the risk. Like others before him, he was disposed quickly and was replaced by someone with no industry experience. I have a pastor friend, who is a great charismatic speaker; he started to get national attention and started to neglect the local church that gave him the platform. The local church warned him about his perennial absence, but the pull of national demand and his evangelist calling was just too much, the local church had to let him go.
I have given the example of two people who were superb in what they do, but were easily dispensed and in the case of the secular guy, he was replaced by someone with no car industry experience. The atmosphere in most corporate setting is getting the most they can from you (they'll pay you), but most people go for the high income and position at the expense of their family. A friend who was a VP at a fortune 100 company told me, she and another person in her department, used to play the game of I beat you in and who can stay later, that she missed everything the kids did in those period. Today, she works for a different organization and she never misses anything the kids do now and this person even have the time to participate in our high school program.
You do not have to be an ordained person or work in a faith based organization to excel on the job, whatever job you are in, from a consulting job to being a nurse or a janitor, you are the salt and light and the people around are tasting Christ through the fruit you bear, have you ever wondered what they are tasting based on your attitude? At the end of the day, pastoral ministry, doctoring, driving, nursing, itinerant ministry etc all come after your personal relationship with God and your family.
Balancing Acts
Okay, now we know from an academic standpoint what should come first, second and third in the priorities of our lives, the question then is how do we balance or juggle these on a daily basis. Should we be legalistic about it, what about those of us who have to travel like me or what about accountants who have to work long hours in between February and April or surgeons who spend gazillion hours in the operating room at odd hours? Human emotion is an interesting part of our nature, it moves up and down as our hormones comes and go (not just in women). There are times that pastors don't feel like going near a church, talk-less of preaching, there are days that you wake up and studying and praying is not kosher, there are times that husbands and wives can't stand each other's gut and its all natural, and there are times that your job becomes a burden and you just go so you can feed your family.
Eight years of full time marriage (relationship) ministry, from teaching to counseling, has taught me that if a husband or wife has developed trust and consistency, they give each other a break when the regular protocol is breached. For instance, my wife and kids know that my relationship with God is important to me and they come second, Ola has no doubt of her importance in my life because I have demonstrated it not only in words but in deeds over 17 years, so whenever I take her for granted because I got too busy doing "good" stuff, all she had to do is remind me but not question my loyalty. When I took permission from my teenage son to travel for a conference on his birthday, it was not because I'm afraid of my son, but because I want him to know that he is more important to me than the ministry, even though I get compensated and he benefits from it.
When our heart is with God and completely sold out to Him, when we mess up, He understands and forgives, He only asks that we don't continue to sin. The life of king David is a testament to God judging us based on our heart rather than our mistakes. David was completely sold out to God and in his flesh, he committed adultery, was an accomplice to murder, counted his fighting men against God's instruction, yet each time God forgave (even though he paid for his sin in each case). If we miss our prayer time for a genuine reason (not as a pattern), I don't believe God will abandon or spank us, as long as we get back on track and our heart is still in the right place (and we don't get complacent).
The problem in most marriages is when a spouse who does not prioritize these priorities as a norm (relationship with God, family and work) for his/her life, but wants bonus points for the once in awhile daddy daycare act or super-Mom coming to the rescue, this brings resentment from the spouse that has carried the load and I'm sure God don't want the once in a while stuff either. I know someone who says the right thing about the family, but acts differently, the love of "mammon" is way more important, so being absent for months unplanned is no problem. When this person gets back to town and take the kids to fun places in town (movie, eat-out, amusement parks etc), and then disappear again, this person demands points for the frenzy with the kids when around.
The point I'm trying to raise or bring to all of our attention is not only to prioritize these priorities in our lives, but to make the priorities not just an academic exercise or a mental note, but to make the priorities structure the desire of our heart that we pray and ask God to help us achieve. To run every decision we make through the prism of what would God want, would this be good for my family and would my excellent attitude and Godly character at work bring glory to God.
P.S. Taking care of your body physically should be a very close fourth on the priority list.
Remain Blessed
